Peace, Love, Therapy.

I was voted off the island.

I didn’t even get to go to tribal council. There weren’t any conversations of clarity or compromise. After over 6 years of being a solid, committed, caring, nurturing, call me anytime, priority friend, I was OUT! Cast off without a thought.

Shock, confusion and sadness consumed me and my mind spent hours trying to solve the ache my whole body felt.

I had been intentionally, obviously and publicly shunned in front of a very respected social group. I left the event, holding back a flood of tears, humiliated, misunderstood and devastated. 

I was also really angry. Like, WTF!? I wasn’t told what I had said or done to deserve a public shunning. I wasn’t given a minute of explanation or 3 seconds to defend myself. Of course I speculated at the cause but I didn’t know what they were thinking or their perception. And nothing I could come up with would justify the way I was treated. 

In every weave of my body, I believed that people who care about each other do not ever put anyone in that situation. All relationships have conflict but I’m accustomed to having private, honest, respectful conversations when misunderstandings happen. The relationship will change - maybe for the better and maybe the decision is made to go separate ways. The lack of respect in this situation was evident, unexpected, mind blowing and I was a mess. The worst part: a very important, supportive and significant social circle had been poisoned for me. 

This was last year. I was 46.

Not having a voice was one of the hardest things for me to overcome. I wanted understanding, answers and to defend the relationships but it was clear that wasn’t going to happen. After I knew that conversations were taking place without me but about me (basically voting me off the island), I knew that (even though at that point I would have been willing to try and mend things) I had to let it go.

Toque with googles for -40 degree weather!

I REALLY wanted to but I couldn’t.

The situation still took up too much of my mind space & continually showed up in my dreams.

After about 6 months, I decided to phone my Community Addiction and Mental Health clinic to book a session with a therapist. 

It is AMAZING what one hour of therapy can accomplish! I’m ALWAYS surprised how productive one hour can be.

4 to 6 times visiting a therapist is the average to solve a current life issue or help one feel they are able to conquer their struggle. This is depending on the depth of the trauma of course but it doesn’t take long to start the unraveling of a very messy bowl of spaghetti noodles brain!

If your brain is feeling like this:

A few sessions of therapy can your brain feel more like this:

I did a little research and was astonished to find out by the time Canadians reach 40 years of age, 1 in 2  have - or have had - a mental illness*.

*(The Center for Addiction & Mental Health. www.camh.ca Canada’s largest mental health teaching hospital)

I have seen dozens of therapists over the years. Female, male, young & old. They all had their time and place in my life. Some I have paid for (most have a sliding scale to pay what you can) but most have been free. Alberta Health Care is excellent at making mental health a priority and I am continually grateful for the services I can access. Also, many employers offer some sort of mental health benefits. In some cases, employees are given access to a phone number and therapy sessions are held over the phone. These are still extremely effective.

Fighting judgemental voices? Want more sincere conversations with your partner? Having parent guilt? Can’t make sense of a significant moment? Looking for a fair take on a situation? Can’t make sense of your emotions? If you are struggling to sort it out, a commitment of only 4-6 hours within a month to a year could be a game changer.

Therapy is not just for the mentally unwell. Regular 4-6 sessions with a variety of professionals have saved me hours of needless worry and hamster-wheel guilt. My mind has been blown a few times (I love that!!) and each time, the sessions completely exceeded my expectations. I have been going about every 6 to 8 weeks and my next session will be the 5th in my voted off the island series. I’m 80% sure that it will be the season finale. My whole mindset about the situation has changed.

I learned that it’s not easy for me to let relationships go because I’m fully invested, trusting and honor the people in my life. Lyndsey says that I “lean in” to my relationships. When I’m in, I’m all in.

Friendship challenges will always be a part of our lives. It sure ain’t easy but the hard conversations need to happen to keep respect and genuine connections. 

I was also reminded that my brain seeks to understand all sides of a situation due to the fact that I care about all humans. My brain automatically considers & feels empathy for all sides. My thoughts are 50,000 shades of gray. I’m not capable of black & white thoughts. Believe me, I sometimes which I could just turn my empathy button off! I think life might be more simple for me if I could. Definitely, if there are children involved, they are always my priority. 

My therapist and I came up with a few sentences for me to repeat: “Anyone who knows me knows I would never do anything with ill intention. Anyone who is going to be an awesome part of my life will have a respectful conversations with about the hard stuff.”

By far the best part of this voted off the island therapy series was focusing on the positive that has come from it. Unexpected and so fabulous is that it has strengthened the relationship with my husband and son. We’ve become more united and we have had some amazing, honest and supportive conversations. It shifted my perspective on what the priorities in my life are and the reminder that my boys have my back feels super amazing.

TIP: Do not hold back! Be completely honest and dig deep. You will get so much out of each session if you get to the GOOD STUFF (hard, ugly, embarrassing, shameful, hurtful, gross …) right away.

Peace. Love. Therapy!