I’ve had to overcome some problems.

Procrastinating at its finest!

Mostly low self-esteem & discovering who I really am.

Recently (in a BIG, white, stumbling burst of clarity), I discovered that I’ve been having an

“Abusive Relationship with Myself”.

After 30+ years of struggling & searching & bumbling about, I was happy to have finally labeled my (seeming life-long) condition. I was feeling relief and clarity but I was also overcome by the feeling of fear. What now? I couldn’t just pack up the car & drive away from that shit!

It has been an exhausting journey leading up to this realization. But along the way, I have learned a lot of simple, amazing tricks. Over the course of a few years, I had shared some of these tricks with a few like-minded, inspiring women in my life who I respect & admire (Lyndie, Ashley). After many fabulous conversations about life & such, my amazing Tribe of girls almost had me convinced that I should share my struggles & tricks and help others. They encouraged me to get it all out of my head, get it organized and written down. They told me to write a book!

A book?! No (F-%*%^$%$) way!!

But these beautiful friends had planted a seed. When I was alone & let myself dream, the thought of writing my own book made me giddy. The idea that I could have a book with my name on it felt right, perfect, kismet. The process, the opportunity, the way I would feel after completion, holding the final product in my hands, gifting it to my mom and dad excited me. Extremely!

It didn’t take me too long (and a few hints from said tribe) to realize that I had a big problem. I REEEEEally wanted to write a book but to start organizing my thoughts and physically sit down and type, wasn’t happening.

When I even thought about starting, my brain & physical body froze. I felt like I felt Han Solo frozen in carbonite! I had written notes in several notebooks all over my house, recorded voice clips on several devices, sent texts & emails to myself as well as images of quotes & inspirational sayings. And then I had ALL the crazy stuff that was still in my head and accumulating every day!!! I knew there was some good stuff in there but I was completely overwhelmed.

I knew it was a bit of laziness. I didn’t want to take the time & effort it took to write a whole book. But more than that, I really wanted to write a book.

What I know: There is a solution to every problem. But finding out exactly the problem, can be extremely hard.

I had never before made it a priority to solve a problem THIS BIG. The scary realization was - I had to become a different person. I had to change my daily routine and habits.

To write this book, I had to:

Not be a procrastinator & stop making excuses

Be motivated, driven & inspired

Decide to (finally) research the ADHD brain (& admit my brain works from this place)

Embrace the realizations & be proud of who I am

BELIEVE that I am a writer. That I can write.

Find the courage to share my story

Step out of my comfort zone & tell others I’m writing a book

There will be a chapter (or 2) on girls and ADHD in the book.

After I let the idea settle that YES I’m going to write a book and I had actually (dripping sweat) told other people I was writing a book BUT with no actual words written, I had to actively try and solve my problem. I had to choose (noooooo!!!) to put down Candy Crush (LOVE Candy Crush! I’m good at it, it (seriously) gives me confidence & I truly believe it helps keep my brain healthy! … Yup, I am addicted to Candy Crush). This WAS NOT easy.

Procrastinating with Bella at its finest!

I had to stop googling the, “British Royals”. I had to decide to NOT binge watch my next episode of Suits until later. I had to stop pick up historical fiction (my fav) books at second-hand stores. I knew writing a book was going to be a LOT of work. Knowing that, made getting started very hard.

I just needed to start but I wasn’t starting. I kept thinking, if only I had a house with a view or a cottage I could escape to. THEN, I would start. I only need my very own little writing cottage! … I had a lot of excuses.

Step 1: I had to Identify the problem

So, I decided to breathe a little deeper everyday, be patient with myself, find lots of quite moments & kept the end goal my only focus - I am going to write a book!

I walked a lot & thought a lot & scheduled Tribe time to help sort my thought & spent a lot of time being silent (no tv, electronics, podcasts).

I started small and made an effort everyday to just observe, understand & accept the girl I was right at that moment. This process took a loooooong time. Months. Writing a book is something I’ve wanted for a long time but it felt like a huge, 400 pound weighted blanket (**remember to put weighted blanket on Xmas list!) weighing me down. The task felt impossible. It seemed too enormous to even start. I KNEW I just had to start.

I knew I could do it, if only I started.

But I also knew I was standing in my own way & I didn’t know why. It was so frustrating that I cried a lot these months. All I felt I could really do was eat fairly healthy, make sleep a priority, made regular appointments with a therapist and be patient with myself.

Finally (Luckily!!) it hit me (like a BIG, white, stumbling burst of clarity)!

It was too simple and I was actually a little embarrassed that this was what took me so long to start writing. It was the answer though - my whole body knew it was true when I said it.

I hadn’t found a creative space!

I didn’t have a writing spot where my creative brain worked, where I was comfortable & I wasn’t distracted. I had tried writing in so many places. The kitchen table, 2 different couches, a park near my house, the kitchen island, random coffee shops, the outside oasis in my backyard.

I hadn’t found a place that I loved to write. The truth is, I had always had a place and I had always known where it was. I just wouldn’t see it (or admit it) because it wasn’t the right place. It wasn’t the obvious place, the “normal” writing spot or the (shall I dare?) acceptable place to write a book. My place has always been my most creative space and definitely, my happy place.

I figured it out & these exact words you are reading are the very first words of my book! Written from my writing spot.

My BED!

Procrastinating at its finest!

Write a Book!?!

An Empath in this (Crazy!) World.